East Coast Hustle

Set your alarm to wake you up 30 minutes earlier tomorrow morning. Eat a fucking breakfast this time. Plan on leaving for work 15 minutes earlier than you normally do. Start your car 10 minutes before you normally do. Scrape the ice off of your windows. Really, I'm not joking, scrape the ice off your windows so you don't hit me when I drive by you. And when you finally are still late for work.....CHILL THE FUCK OUT.

You don't have your snow tires on yet because you're too "busy" and other things take "priority". And your supa dupa hybrid pink escalade ain't gonna keep you on the road. It's 4 wheel GO, not STOP or TURN. It's doesn't work like that Bay State Bitches. Take it easy and take it slow. I'm sure your boss would rather have you there 15 minutes later rather than the alternatives. If for no other reason than the fear of my big ugly mug stepping out of my vehicle tomorrow morning to come over and beat your ass after you just hit me because it's "slippery", DRIVE (don't be a passenger in the driver's seat) a little slower and a little more cautiously tomorrow. And for the love of God, PUT YOUR FUCKING CELL PHONE DOWN YOU STUPID MOTHER FUCKER. Yep, that's exactly how I feel. And finally if you hit me with a plate that isn't green, 'xpect a "Yep, it does that here. It's called snow. Now see how your face feels buried in it."

Camo Cans!

WMD has finally met his match. Far across the country on the "left" coast the myth has been proven: Camo Cans exist! Camo Black Ice will fuck you up! At 10.5% alcohol by volume there's almost 5 beers in one can! This shit doesn't even taste like beer. It's barley wine in a 24oz aluminum can with Quint-X's across the label(took me awhile to figure out how to say 5X eloquently). Save this one for the end of the night, for if you don't you'll likely end up flat on your face before the sun goes down. Bums across America are getting loaded for only $1.29/can. And it is simply fucking disgusting. Chew on some candy corn(after you dig it our from under your couch) and swallow some mouth wash. Cheers America!

Double Dribble

Portland Oregon is home to the most strip clubs per capita period. I'm not joking when I say you might pass 2 per block. 60% of them are painted purple. If you're stumbling around late at night looking for some cans....seek purple shelter and you're sure to be satisfied. They have everything from topless sports bars with all-you-can eat $2 tacos to full on nudies.

My personal favorite: Double Dribble. A Down and dirty sports bar with, wait for it, topless bartenders, $1.50 pints, and kegs to go! Hell yes; America! The real estate around this place is steaming hot!

East Coast prude(conservative) liberals take note, the West Coast libs know how to have fun and not be a frigid bitch! "A round of pints for everyone!"